This is the question I have asked myself EVERY August for at least ten years. It's right about the time we start getting ready for the kids to go back to school. I know I will have the whole day "free" and I want to fill it with something productive. Something that may lead to a career once the baby goes to school. Like I was supposed to do when my third child went to school but instead took that time to start up a cleaning business. The business was successful but didn't make me happy it just enabled us to pay more bills. I don't want a JOB, I want a career. I want to make a difference, I want to share my abilities and talents because I know I have a lot of them. I want to have a normal schedule and not be wired until 2am after working a late shift. I want to smell and look pretty. I want to see that in five years, I did something for myself and for someone else.
I never finished college because we moved to Chicago after we got married and we couldn't swing it financially. Insert one thousand excuses here, because that's what I do. I come up with every excuse as to why I can't go back and get a degree and stop serving tables. I talk myself out of it. We don't have the money, where will I find the time between work,car pools, keeping up with their studies, keeping them well rounded with a social life, my daughters going into middle school and will need extra help, The oldest will take college courses and will not be able to help out with all that she does at the church and school and she should be a teenager! Our son, well, soccer keeps him busy all year round as well as me! Let's not forget that potty training has begun!!! I can't even edit a blog in less than 5 hours without interruption.....like I said, I'm full of them.
When will I stop talking and just do it? When will I just do SOMETHING else that I dream of doing? When will I write a book? When will I decide on the topic of said book? When will I lose the "baby weight", because she's two now and it no longer sounds reasonable to say that LOL! When will I love myself the way that I should? That's what it has to be right? I mean I could justify it and say that I put my family before me and their needs are important and right now I have to put ME on the back burner. But I've been saying that for too long, and it has even gotten old to me. I mean the kids even recite my excuses at this point!
I make time to harvest my crops on face book. I make time to watch the new True Blood episode. Granted this is how I choose to spend my down time but maybe that's the key. I know subconsciously that I will have NO down time. In the long run it would be worth all the blood sweat and tears I gave, I know that. It would mean more income for our family, a happier and healthier Mom, normal hours, no holidays away from my family, and a feeling of accomplishment.
Don't get me wrong please! Motherhood is the most rewarding blessing that I could ever have been given. My children are the most beautiful gifts on this earth. I have learned so much about life and love and pain....from them. I didn't know that I was ALIVE until I held my first born in my arms (and she was Drama from day one LOL) She was born and I remember saying "This is what LOVE is". My heart was so overfilled with love that I didn't know what to do first!! Then came the next three and just when I thought I knew what love was, it grew. There is no one on this earth that can make me laugh in a split second, that can make me feel better after a terrible day just by smiling, that has made me feel like I belong on this earth and that I have a bigger reason for being here...than my children. Now I feel like I owe it to them. To show them that you can always find your way, it's never too late. Motherhood is rewarding but I want something just for me,and I just want the courage to finally do it. Oh, and I want to lose the baby weight.
Thanks for listening. Today I feel like a loser. Only I have the power to change that. I figure maybe if I said it out loud....that I would.
"Now more than ever we need the Jedi"~Bob Wilton, The Men who Stare at Goats.
I need to find my inner JEDI ;)
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